Ten Rules For Living In These Times

  1. Stick it in your pipe and smoke it.

    Pipe smoking went cheesy a generation ago. In 1960, Drug stores sold a dozen varieties of pipes and double that number brands of tobacco.  Sartre sold more pipes than Peter Yarrow did records.   Now nothing.

    Everyone clamors for social distancing. Buy a pipe (less than $20 on Amazon), some cheap tobacco and smoke away.  No one will get within three yards of you.  Especially the wife and kids.

  2. An apple a day keeps the doctor away.

    Johnny Appleseed lived to be a 103 and there was plenty of cholera going around the forest in those days. Cholera makes the corona virus look like sniffles in a TB sanitarium.  How did he do it?  Apples.  He ate at least three every day and you can too.   So far, they haven’t been cleaned out at the grocery, though, if you eat three every day, you’re gonna need some more of that toilet paper.

  3. A stich in time save nine.

    Got big holes in your underwear?   How do you think that’s going to look when they snip off your pants in the ICU?   Enough said.

  4. A dog is a man’s best friend.

    Dogs don’t get corona virus.  You keep them fed, they’ll lick your hands, nuzzle your face and snore quietly next to you in bed.  Better than a wife these days. Especially when you’re smoking the pipe.

  5. Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you.

    Conflated version of the original – ‘do unto others before they do unto you’.  Timely advice when you see any trace of a paper product at the grocers.  Pasta and rice too.  Grab all you can and don’t worry about the old lady who says she’s on her last box of noodles.  Odds aren’t with her anyway.

  6. A watch pot never boils.

    This one actually works.  My mom calls at least twice a day asking me if I am still feeling alright. If I have so much as a stuffed nose, she calls back in two hours.  Smart right?  If you’re watching for it all the time, the disease is gonna wait; its game plan is to surprise you like a bowling ball to the head.  But the corona doesn’t know my mom.  She endured Dad for twenty-five years; outlasting a virus is nothing.

  7. “In wine there is wisdom, in beer there is Freedom, in water there is bacteria.”

    Ben Franklin said that (they had smallpox AND the plague when he was around); it was as dead-on then as it is now.  Viruses can’t live in alcohol.  If you drink enough booze to raise your blood-alcohol level to at least .15, the crap ain’t gonna hurt you.   But you have to keep it there all the time which makes driving to the liquor store problematic.  Of course, if they deliver, you got it made.

  8. God helps those who help themselves.

    See ‘Do unto others as you’d have them do unto you’.

  9. I got 99 problems but the bitch ain’t one.

    That’s what Jay-z thought about Beyoncé until the unfortunate incident in Albany with two frat girls after the concert.  With corona, the bitch is always a problem.  Either you will give to her (‘look what you did to me, you son a bitch’ every day and more when you don’t meet ‘her needs’.  From her mother too.  Every fuckin’ day.) or she infects you (‘leave the keys out before you go’).

  10. I’ll fuck anything that walks.

    Eminem penned this line 21 years ago.  Still works today. You’re probably gonna die.  Soon.  So go big and enjoy everything you ever imagined.  Men fucking men?  Women making out with women?  Group? Don’t trash talk it if you haven’t tried it – now’s your chance.  That 300 pound gnome down the street?  Think he’s got a tiny penis to go with the belly that looks like he swallowed a basketball?  Give him a bearhug and reach down his pants.  The old grandma looking person who sits at the freeway entrance with the sign that says ‘Help me. I homless’, the one with only one tooth?  Give her a pint of vodka a big French kiss. This is your time dudes and dudesses – enjoy.  Think of the stories you can tell loathsome teenagers when you get old.  If you get old.

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