Somewhere in all of this, Barron got lost.
10. Donald Trump – When it comes to figuring out things you’re thankful for this year, you got to admit Trump is pretty high up on the list. White guys can be white guys again! White women too as long as their OK with a little grab assing now and then. How good is that? Now it’s cool to talk about shoving all the spicks, beaners, colored, curry munchers and gooks on to boat and push it into the middle of the Atlantic Ocean. Pretty sweet. Some Yids too but you have to sort of quiet about that. Trump’s daughter is married to a Yid. And a couple ‘loaned’ Donald a lot of money. But other than them, it’s OK.
9. Cable TV – When I was a kid, you had three broadcast channels on the TV set. Each showed five minutes of commercials spread over a thirty minute show. In the late 1970s, cable came along. It had 30 channels and –wow – commercial free. But you had to pay a monthly fee for it and we couldn’t afford it. But to watch a whole movie in your living room – fucking awesome! Now it’s 2018. There are almost 300 channels on cable. And they each show at least 15 minutes of commercials in every thirty minute slot. Shit, some channels are nothing but commercials 24 hours a day and tens of thousands of people watch them. Why should we be thankful? Well – this is a wonderful lesson of how capitalism works in America. The big guys always take the little guy’s money. And they will pump commercials into your life until you just give up and empty your wallet on their doorstep. Admit it – nobody else in the world has shit like this on their TV. Another reason why America is so great.
8. Cell Phone Drivers – you’re sitting in a traffic intersection waiting for the light to turn green. There is one car in front of you. The light turns green. The car does not move. You wait 20 seconds then give the horn a short tap. The car does no move. You hit the horn harder two times. No body moves. Then you lay it on. The car in front of you finally makes their turn. You notice through the car’s rear window the driver has a phone in their ear. The light is red again. You have not moved.
This is an opportunity to exercise what the Buddha called nijhana khanti – the virtue of patience. You should be thankful. It is often difficult for us to find time in our busy lives for meditation and reflection. You have been given the opportunity to experience deep spiritual awareness from a person you’d normally would call a shithead. Give thanks.
Old white guys taking care of business.
7. Brett Kavanaugh – Anybody of average intelligence who works hard and trusts in God can be anything they want in this country. Even President. At least that’s what we’re told by the third grade. It’s bullshit of course but rarely do you get an object lesson on just how deep the muck is like the one President Trump gave us with Brett Kavanaugh. The man was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, schooled in an elite preppy school where drinking until you passed out and fucking everything that walked made you a winner as long as you went to Mass on Sunday. Then off to Harvard to acquire a stoner’s belly and a bevy of drinking friends whose daddies either owned a Wall Street hedge fund or were related to one of the Bushes. It’s one of those guys who got Brett his first job with Ken Star and it was Starr who taught him all about mud slinging, guzzle vodka, and get some ass while still being the Eucharist Minister at Holy Trinity on N Street. Then he gets to be a Supreme Court justice. Talk about the rewards for putting your nose to the grindstone. .
None of the Huckabees actually believe in science let alone genetics.
6. Sarah Huckabee Sanders – Mike Huckabee’s big little girl. Politicians like to portray women as kinder, more gentle humans than the average man. Unless they are running against one for office in which case they tend to want to lock her up. So you got Sarah, who grew up on pork bellies and pecan pie, learned racism from her bible token father, and then lost every scrap of moral values (assuming she ever had any) making up stories for the world’s biggest con man. But she has a syrupy southern accent. It’s all good.
5. Gluten Free Foods – Gluten free bread makes us thankful for the taste of real bread. Lots of people suddenly found themselves gluten intolerant a couple of years ago and spawned a whole industry of shysters willing to separate them from their money. Gluten free Aspirin? Come on Walmart – how dumb do you think we all are? Well it turns out, it sells pretty well; better than the old Bayer brand. And people still wonder how could so many Americans vote for Trump.
4. Newport Kentucky – We American’s are trashy people. But you never realize just how tidy most of us are until you spend a week in Newport Kentucky. Newport is a sleepy little Ohio River town due south of Cincinnati. But it ain’t a durn thing like Cincinnati; it’s classic Redneck – grits on every breakfast menu, ash trays on the table, and front yard planters made from white-walls. And trash. White trash of course but also real trash and a lot of it. The city’s motto should be ‘The World Is My Ashtray’ because here it is. Trash is everywhere. The city sends out guys sentenced to community service once a week to pick it all up every couple of days. But 24 hours later, the ground is covered with cans, broken glass bottles, dog shit, wrappers from every imaginable fast food outlet and, of course, bunches and bunches of cigarette butts. Newport makes you really appreciate the guy in the car in front of you for only chucking an empty beer can out the window. In Newport, he’d be throwing out whatever happened to be in the kitchen trash can.
- 3. Fiat Chrysler Automobiles (FCA) – FCA is the car industry’s worst manufacturer. For eight years Jeep, Dodge, RAM and FIAT have never been out of the bottom 10 of Consumer Reports car reliability and safety rankings. Eight years. Jeeps roll over on gentle curves and break apart after three years. The most costly car to maintain in the world is the little 2016 FIAT 500. Because of FCA, we are thankful we don’t have to keep searching through the internet on who makes the worst cars. By the way, what SUV has been the bestseller year after year for the last eight years – Jeep. And people still wonder how could so many Americans vote for Trump.
You can’t make this stuff up.
2. Evangelicals – You’ve got to be thankful we have so many evangelical Christians around. They make us laugh every day. Most of them are simple, zany and clueless though a few have a bit of a mean streak, especially when they meet up with a person of color. Or a Jew. But other than that, the misfits who call Christ their Lord can be pretty funny. They live in La La Land and love to talk about it. No science to fuck up their lives, no worries about death – their biggest problem is how to avoid baking a cake for a gay couple. How hard is that?
1. Dogs – they get you through the day.