Killer Dads

I was walking my dogs up Fulton St. last week. We were nearing the intersection where Fulton runs into Blue Fin Drive. There is a Chipotle on the corner. Their parking lot takes most of the block going down Fulton.

In the parking lot, a Dad was helping two little girls out of their Suburban. It was jet black. The girls looked to be between 7 and 12 years old. Good old Dad was taking them into Chipotle’s for lunch. My first reaction was Jesus Christ. You are going to kill those kids!!

If the Tomatoes Don’t Kill Ya, the Servers Will.

Yea, it is alright for adults to eat at Chipotle’s, at least now that they started washing the vegetables and allow a tad of antibiotics in the chicken. Servers still don’t get paid sick days so there are always a few of them snuffling around the serving line but this is Miami – our colds are mild and the flu rare. So if you are an adult, you basically are dealing with the usual Chipotle menu of bacteria and virus that, if you have lived to make to 30, you are probably immune to. But not little kids. They’ve had their exposure to day care and elementary school bugs but, unless they were raised in a strict vegetarian or vegan kitchen at home, they don’t have the resistance to the likes of infections that lurk in a Chipotle’s restaurant.

A Dad should know these things. I bet the two girl’s mother wouldn’t be caught dead bringing in a kid to Chipotle’s. Too dangerous. The mom can ingest the critters that lived in the tomatoes that graced her burrito but the worst she’ll get is some slimy shit the next day (face it, we all look forward to the natural laxative a meal at Chipotle’s supplies). But kids – Come on!

Dumb, Dumber and Dumber

I was tempted to say something to the guy but then I thought, he is driving a Suburban. So he is not dumb. (There was a GMC Yukon parked three spaces over. It’s the same car priced $10,000 more because it has ‘GMC ‘in big big letters on the grill. Unless the Yukon owner was spectacularly stupid, he would have known that. He didn’t. BUT – he is smarter than the Escalade owner who bought the EXACT same car as the Suburban but paid at least $15,000 for it (or for the big Cadillac shield on the grill), proving P.T. Barnum’s dictum that nobody ever went broke underestimating the stupidity of an American. There were no Escalades in the Chipotle parking lot. But this is the north side of Miami. I’m not sure we get a lot of Escalade owners here unless their packing side arms and Rottweilers.)

I wanted to scream “Take them down the street to the McDonalds. Nobody gets sick there!” But I didn’t. Seriously, when is the last time anybody got E. Coli poisoning at a McDonalds? 1988, you can look it up. And Chipotle? 2017 but 2018 just started so give them a chance.

Dads want to be good fathers and good fathers want their kids to eat something they like but something that is good for them too. That’s a tall order. I guess if you drive a Suburban, Chipotle’s makes all the sense in the world. Can’t explain the Yukon guy though – would have guessed he’d be more into big burgers slathered in bacon and Velveeta. Maybe he came for the queso.

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Shed No Tear For Melania Dear

I Wonder Where Daddy Is Tonight.

London’s The Independent newspaper today referred to Melania Trump as the ‘most popular’ member of Donald Trump’s family. The article was discussing her decision to hide out at Mar-a-Lago rather than accompany the President to Davos. The poor girl was pissed at the President again – This time because Stormy Daniel’s shared that she and Donald had a months long fling in summer 2006. This, as you probably don’t recall, was a couple of months after the birth of their son Barron. Melania’s motherly instincts apparently were that hubby should still be caught up in the joy renewed fatherhood – after all, it was his third son thereby increasing the odds by 20% of having an heir with more brains than a coo-coo clock.

But Donald was being Donald. The only really surprising thing is that Melania herself was somehow offended by Trump’s behavior.

For those of you who shed tears for the suffering that Melania may endured as Trump’s marital partner, get a life. The woman is not some innocent back-country Slovakian swept off her feet by a handsome American playboy who now, as years and years of abuse unfolds, finds herself living with a devil she never suspected.

The Owner Has To Check Out The Goods.

Melania knows all about Donald Trump. She lived with the man six years before they married. She watched him cruise into the Miss USA and Miss Universe dressing rooms on award night, ogle the nude contestants up and down, then boast about how he was the only one who could get away with it (he owned the franchise after all) and man, what great stuff he got to see. He didn’t do it just once – he did it every year and Melania not only got to see it, she got the hear Donald boast about it on the radio in 2005 to his buddy Howard Stern. Yak, yak – that’s my Donald.

What about the groping, the kissing, the ‘come up to my room’ after the show stuff? Eight women have accused Trump of molesting them between 2005 and 2013. There were twelve others before then, but let’s just look at what occurred after Melania and Don tied the knot. The women’s stories are all similar – some event threw them in a room with Donald Trump. He comes over, forces the woman to kiss him, squeezes her breasts or ass or both, puts his fingers up her skirt, and then invites her to come up to his room a little later. These were the women who said ‘No’. Some said ‘Yes’. Stormy Daniels for sure but also, for sure, many, many others.

Would any of this surprise Melania? Absolutely not. Remember, she is wife number three. The other two shared plenty of dirt on how Donald played fast and loose on them during their years of bliss together.

No, Melania didn’t miss a thing. She had her own goals and liked the odds. In January 2005, she married to New York’s wealthiest landlord. In March 2006, she gave birth to their son Barron. Melania figured Don was 60 years old, a walking heart attack with a golf club in his hands and lived like a ravaged pig. Time was on her side – she’d just out wait the prick.

You Have To Admit She Has Nice Eyes

What changed was that the prick ran for President and then, against every value America was supposedly based upon, won. That’s when Melania’s world turned wretchedly bleak – now she has to ‘live’ with the man. Worse, she has to appear the devoted spouse as all the dirt comes out: first the Hollywood Access Tapes (and she just buried her head in the sand), then 20 women accusing Trump of some type of sexual assault (buried her head deeper) and now Stormy Daniels. Burying one’s head here gets tricky because Stormy likes to editorialize on what a slob Trump must be to do this to his wife right after his son was born; and how this wasn’t a one night stand – no she and Donald fucked month after month after month. Talk about shoving it Melania’s face.

Women’s March 2018 – Las Vegas

It is easy to be cynical about Melania – she was a social climbing money grubber who never let scruples stand in her way to get what she wanted. Now she has it. To most of us, it looks pretty tacky. No matter how she got there, it is hard not to feel a little sympathy for the poor woman. Just don’t feel too much sympathy. There’s that aphorism about reaping what you sow. Children could learn a real life lesson here from America’s First Lady.

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Goodbye Miami

October 2017 Fort Lauderdale – Tooling down the A1A.


Bloomberg recently published a news story about a business man in southern Florida named Ross Hancock who was having bad luck coping with the area’s high tide flood problems. Florida State officials pooh-pooh the idea that climate change exits – in fact, Governor Rick Scott’s administration will fire any state worker who even uses the phrase. Yet, the ocean levels around Florida mysteriously have risen year after year – some say pretty much as predicted by those climate changer fake news people – which leads to localized flooding once a month when a king tide hits. King tides happen during those couple of days each month when there is a full moon.

“I’ve not been convinced that there’s any man-made climate change,” Governor Rick Scott

Even though Governor Scott said it couldn’t happen, Ross lived in an area of Coral Gables that flooded each time of the month a full moon came out. The city’s response was to start raising the levels of the streets by a foot to keep the cars dry as well as to construct a high powered storm sewer system that would blow water back into the ocean (up hill!!). Ross’s decided it was time to sell his house which he did four years ago.

Ross moved his family into a high rise condo on Key Biscayne. Key Biscayne is one of the higher patches of land in Miami; Ross figured he was safer here than anywhere else. But ‘high ground’ is relative in Miami where the average variance between sea level and land four miles inland is less than three feet. So in August, when Irma hit, the Key Biscayne shoreline was turned into a swimming pool for miles around. Ross’s condo was high enough to be undamaged but the condo building’s power systems, elevators and parking lots were heavily damaged. His share of the cost to fix things came out to be around $60K. Once the damage is repaired, Ross plans to move again – to really higher ground, 10s of miles north of southern Florida and the coast.

Fake Data from the Corp of Engineers and the Weather Service.

Florida has always been run by land sharks and swindlers looking to sell swamp land to the idiots. Of course climate change doesn’t exist. Talk to any real estate agent about buying a property in Miami, and not one will say a word about tidal flooding. If you bring it up, they say the probability of it happening to ‘this property’ (this property being any property you name) is negligible and besides, everyone has cheap flood insurance and you know those insurance companies wouldn’t sell cheap flood insurance if there were actual floods, wink-wink, poke-poke. The industry’s state wide trade group, Florida Real Estate, tows the governor’s line – nope, we got no climate change goin’ on down here. Nope. Nope.

What the real estate agents don’t tell you is that flood insurance availability is mandated by the state legislature in order for insurers to do business in Florida. That state underwrites catastrophic losses which they have historically covered through disaster relief grants from the Federal government. At the end of the day, the insurers make money, the State doesn’t ante up a nickel and the real estate industry thrives.

But all of this is bound to unravel and likely pretty soon. Irma caused over 190 billions in damage. U.S. Taxpayers will cover most of that but it is likely insurers are going take some hits. The insurers are in with the swindlers but they don’t believe the swindler’s pitch. They know the oceans are warming, the seas are rising and that cyclic violent weather is one result. Irma was not a once in a lifetime thing – Irma is what the new normal looks like. Insurers are going to raise their rates. What the property owners don’t pay, taxpayers will. At some point, someone will say ouch.

Zillow says in 30 years, 200,000 homes in the Miami area will be underwater (not flooded, under). Talk about trying to get a 30 year mortgage on those guys. The number goes up to half a million by 2090. Yea it seems a long time from now but wait one generation – when your young toddlers are looking for their first house – well there are going to be some awesome deals around for nice beach front properties that they can buy and then just discard in ten years.

Raising Fthe highways two feet in Miami Beach.

Coral Gables figures they can avoid things for a while by raising the roads and pumping water back into the ocean faster than it can flow in. Miami is doing the same thing. The mayor of Miami Beach is proposing 400 million dollar levy to get homeowners to pony up the money. It’s that or just sit there and watch you house float away. The mayor will likely get his money.

It is not hard to see how the real estate market in sourthern Florida is about ready to tank big time. Insurance rates will sky rocket over the next five years, property taxes will jump to pay for new highways, big pumps and flood walls, and the ocean will inevitably creep higher and higher each year reclaiming a yard of shore here, a couple feet there. Each year, every year. And it will happen real quietly because everyone in charge loses if people start to decide to move out in groves.

Ross Hancock is a smart dude. He expects to take a loss when he sells the condo. But a lot of people believe the swindle and one of them will buy it. His realtor told him so.

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I am old and have a cold – it is four degrees outside

the dog sits in front of me entreating

black eyes open wide,

mouth flickering down a long white snout back and forth

His nostrils try to scent my intend

for a walk.


But I have a cold and winter’s frigid fingers

slip between the house’s bricks

and shiver my bones and draw my heat away.


“It’s four outside you stupid dogs. Too cold

to walk and sniff and squirrel watch. Be still and warm.”

but they don’t understand a word I say nor care too –

they want a walk today. Their patience has no end.

They will sit and stare even as I pretend to edit words

and draw charcoal marks on paper masks.

Hours pass and still they sit:

I want my walk today.

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Merry Christmas From The New Hudson Exit

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Ralph The Dog – Waiting For Checkers

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